Always Becoming
Throughout my entire life, I’m always "becoming" something.
Growing up, it was to be best math wiz, a kid who didn't bully others (that was hard), an actor in school plays, the president of clubs, an award winning artist, a boyfriend, which failed horribly because I was so awkward.
After graduation, I strived to become a consultant, corporate strategist, project manager, product designer, venture investor, marketer, business developer, community leader.
In my private life, to become a better man who could balance the demands of home and work, which also failed periodically because of my extremities.
Even in my mistakes, I was becoming a deeper listener and more sensitive human being through my search for answers in philosophy and nature - all useful things as I learn to become a husband to Olivia.
Now two years into my creative journey, I've become a videographer, writer and teacher. The creation of Mind Map Nation, the community for connected thinkers, has indeed forced me to wear every hat I've ever picked up. In doing so, I'm becoming something entirely new once again.
I recently came across the following Buddhist saying:
"Relaxation is who you are. Tension is who you think you should be."
I’d change the second part to: “Tension is who you want to become”.
I realized I've been tense most of my life, always becoming someone new, often through the influence of someone else. Some of these accomplishments have paid off in societal success and personal growth, which I'm thankful for.
Yet the tension never left. I haven't felt truly at peace in my own skin since I was 9-years-old when I could talk to anyone and be anything I wanted without overthinking or being self-conscious.
The irony is that now in my 30's, I'm finally fighting my way back to that relaxed space. It's as if I had left on a 20-year sojourn around the world only to discover, upon homecoming, that this was where I belonged all along. The learnings and people I've met on the circuitous return trip have fueled much of my creative work over the past two years.
Yet this opens another contradiction. If I return to a relaxed state, would I cease to grow? Can I be relaxed and tense at the same time?
The answer is yes and no. Hear me out.
First, you can be relaxed inside while tense outside. This means feeling secure and confident within while becoming something new externally. This is maintaining your cool while putting out fires, sticking to your values in difficult decisions, and combatting FOMO with contentment. For me as a creator, it means expressing what's within while perfecting how I deliver the message be it through words, video or a community.
Second, there is a time to be tense and a time to relax. A muscle that's constantly tense will cramp and become useless. A person who never stops working will never stop to think about his direction. A mind that's always stimulated will never be creative.
Coming from someone who's default nature is fiery, I can tell you that always stepping on the gas will burn you out. That's why my 2-week sprints contain a retrospective and break afterwards. I even allow periods of just vegging and doing nothing mid-sprint if necessary.
What is relaxation? One sign is boredom. In our digital age, we have a deep fear of boredom, but it's precisely when we are relaxed and, optimally, bored, that our greatest epiphanies come.
I had 10 straight days of it during my Vipassana meditation retreat. In the prolonged stillness, many ideas came to fruition, one of which is launching next month.
Finally, returning to our childhood doesn't mean to become childish and ignore our hard earned lessons. That's just selfishness under a different guise. Rather it means to remember and hold on to what makes you truly happy - before the will of society was put on you. Depending on how much you've been through, this might be take some work. And it can only happen in a relaxed state with enough space and time.
The truth is tension will always exist because we are always becoming whether we like it or not. Change and passage of time is an irrefutable constant of life. Therefore, if tension is already forced upon us, then we might as well direct how it's exerted.
So my question is: what parts of your life do you feel the most tense? Is the source internal or external? Do you have enough relaxation in your life to explore it? Do you have people you can share your thoughts and journey with?
Perhaps in the end, all our tension is so that we can finally feel relaxed again.
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