Have-To’s vs Want-To’s
Are you tired of feeling like life's just one long to-do list filled with obligations and responsibilities? It might even feel like you’re a slave to your circumstances rather than being the master of your own fate.
One way to break free from this slog and reclaim your sense of agency is to transform your "have-to's" into "want-to's." Interestingly, this transformation can sometimes make our lives look the same on the surface, but the internal shift makes all the difference in terms of our enjoyment and fulfillment.
One of my coaching clients is a gifted writer who has been publishing a newsletter for over 100 issues, which is no mean feat! However, he found himself constantly staying up late the night before each issue was due, overwhelmed by the obligation to write and finish the work.
This was unfortunate, as writing was something he genuinely enjoyed and he had plenty of brilliant ideas to share with the world. The problem arose when he turned his passion into a job, which sucked the fun out of it.
To help him recover the joy of writing, we reframed the task as a privilege to share ideas that could help others. We also created systems to facilitate the process, like a Notion Kanban board and article template to streamline capturing ideas, writing, and publishing.
This is the Notion Kanban board that I use for creating my newsletter articles
This board enabled him to 1) capture his ideas as they came, 2) batch process writing on the days that he felt like it, and 3) empowers his team to handle the publishing steps, which allows him to focus on creating within Notion rather than be distracted by various social media platforms.
We also came up with rotating categories of newsletter content that included original in-depth articles, short tips and tricks pieces, and guest posts. This distributed his creation burden while enhancing the value he provided his audience with diverse perspectives. These strategies in concert led to a more efficient and enjoyable experience, thereby restoring writing to its rightful “want-to” status.
Another example comes from my wife Olivia, who recently switched to remote work. Previously, her daily commute took up three hours of her day, including preparation time. The remote work arrangement proved to be crucial for her, as she is bipolar and needs time for exercise and other activities to support her mental health. Although she still enjoys her coworkers' company and might choose to go to the office occasionally, having the choice has made all the difference. The flexibility of remote work allows her to be more efficient and effective, ultimately improving her overall well-being.
Finally, when it comes to managing my video editing team, I've found that giving them the freedom to edit in their own style allows them to take ownership of the project. From this philosophy’s lens, I see each piece as a collaboration between artists rather than simply a boss-to-employee directed output. This approach has resulted in more creative and higher quality work and higher employee satisfaction, productivity, and loyalty. It turns the job into something they want to do, rather than just something they have to do for a living.
Some Caveats
While turning "have-to's" into "want-to's" can be life-changing, there may be challenges and limitations in the process. For example, not all tasks can be transformed into "want-to's." Take filing and paying taxes, which pretty much no one enjoys - not even accountants I reckon, unless they’re passionate about saving their clients money.
Rather than trying to turn it into a "want-to," we can gamify the task as part of a short-term productivity system like 2-Week Sprints.
Changing habits also takes time. If you’ve been working in a high-pressure job for years and have become accustomed to feeling overwhelmed by your "have-to's," it might take time to unlearn these habits and gradually shift your mindset to focus on "want-to's." We should encourage ourselves and others to be patient and to celebrate even the smallest wins as we work on making these changes. I started keeping a Brag Book of wins and a Gratitude Journal to create an appreciation baseline for this reason.
External pressures can be challenging as well. If you’re from a collectivist culture, you may feel obligated to prioritize family responsibilities over your personal passions. You might struggle to even share your intention to turn "have-to's" into "want-to's".
In Chinese culture for instance, it’s seen as a badge of honor to bear my family’s obligations, and is in fact frowned upon to pursue my own passions, especially when it comes with risk and financial sacrifice (i.e. quitting my tech job to pursue content creation). This is something I’ve struggled with for most of my life. In this situation, seeking support from friends who understand my situation or joining (or building) online communities with like-minded people helps me cultivate the mindset necessary to make the transformation.
Lastly, financial constraints and job security can limit our ability to pursue our passions. If you’re working in a job you dislike because you’re trying to pay off loans or supporting your family might not have the option to leave that job or demand changes to fundamentally turn it into a “want-to” situation.
In this case, you can try finding small ways to make your current job more enjoyable, like building positive relationships with coworkers or applying for projects that align with your interests. You can also find fulfillment outside of work by dedicating time to hobbies, volunteering or personal growth.
By acknowledging these challenges and offering practical suggestions, we can empower ourselves and others to navigate the complexities of transforming "have-to's" into "want-to's" with greater resilience and adaptability.
Turning our "have-to's" into "want-to's" is ultimately about gifting ourselves the freedom to choose and fostering a sense of ownership in our work. I recommend conducting a "have-to audit” to identify areas in your life that could benefit from a shift into "want-to's." Consider whether a mental reframe or building new systems can help you regain your sense of agency and passion.
If you've found similar techniques that have helped you with your own transformation, I'd love to hear about them!
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