Buried, but Not Lost
Before we begin…
This is the first entry in a series of reflections during my sabbatical. I believe in living by questions especially for the most personal ones that we may not even know where to begin searching for the answers. The key is to be brutally honest to yourself, which isn't an easy task.
I wrote out my questions for this sabbatical while on the 15-hour long haul flight from San Francisco to Taiwan. By the time I hit the ground, my mind was already primed to begin searching for the answers. As you’ll see, this is a powerful way of “living into the answers”.
Buried, but Not Lost
Into the darkness of the Pacific we go,
goodbye SF from the eyes of a child.
Today we move forward in time,
but backward in age.
To recover something
buried, but not lost.
I wrote this poem as we were taking off from SFO, the tarmac lights reminding me of Skittles. May we never lose our childlike sense of wonder.
It’s been a while since I’ve written with my heart. There’s always two sides of me. One noble, one depraved. One of control, the other of destruction. One confident and self sufficient, the other needing external validation.
Who am I? Who do I want to be? I’m somebody, I’m nobody, a ghost, a brief moment in time.
If I’m somebody, I feel as if I have so much to defend, so much to cover, it’s truly exhausting. To be selfless is to be selfish because I can let go.
What do I want to let go of? The need to prove myself, to compete, to release the chip that sits on my shoulder. To be somebody.
Now that I’m hitting Taiwan, a new land that nobody knows me, perhaps I have the opportunity to become nobody. Just an ordinary human being amongst many others. To just sit and be in the company of others. To be present without the worries of the future and baggage of the past.
A completely new beginning, free to search and embody who I was before. Time is short, this lifetime is brief. This becomes more apparent the older I get. A year is not much time at all. So go and live. I want to truly live. Let’s discover what that means.
I was flying over Tokyo at the time and was reminded of when my first visit to Japan. My thought was: “Below me is one of the greatest cities on earth. It’s been 9 years since I first stepped foot there. I was a different person then. Yet the same too.”
I want to feel the wonder of landing in Japan for the first time. A sense of adventure, unafraid of friction, willing to do whatever it takes to explore. Unafraid of challenges both human and nature. I am still that person, though the last 9 years have left a deep mark on me.
2014 (John Muir Trail + London) → ‘15 (1st Japan trip) ‘16 ‘17 ‘18 ‘19 ‘20 ‘21 ‘22 ‘23 → 2024
Yet inside, I’m malleable even if it feels far away, my old self. I’m really a decade older. No wonder I’m feeling tight and creaky! Those London days are long gone, yet the memories are so strong, much stronger than San Francisco.
Now that was an adventure.
That was a time when I didn’t hesitate, didn’t hold back, didn’t hide behind a screen. Instead I saw people, I spoke to them, I led them. I was not meek. I took advantage of every opportunity presented to me.
At the end of the day, what is it that I truly want to get out of Taiwan? Of this solo trip? What do I hope to accomplish?
London was memorable yes, but it was also driven by a mission, by the same chip that sat heavy on my shoulder. To prove, to standout, to be someone special. The question is can I live a different way?
Because London, while it was truly memorable, was exhausting, always under tension, pushing outwards, ever expanding. Back then I didn’t even know how to connect with someone. I only knew the surface level activities, rather than appreciating people for who they were.
This thinking brain. Judging, analyzing, calculating brain. It’s loud. No wonder people need alcohol to drown it out. The more strategic your job, the harder it is to shake because it becomes habitual.
Stop asking whether it’s right or wrong. What are your values and how do you feel?
Values after all are simply the encapsulation of true feelings, fundamental human and personal truths. This is the essence of no hesitation. Dance through life until you find the right people to dance with. The cost of not doing so is much greater.
Just be open. Be kind. Be curious.
But how do I become curious? Cultivate curiosity? What is curiosity? Not of ideas, but of people. I must understand that ideas come from people. Therefore how do I get deeper to get to the ideas?
Lead with questions. How do I become more curious in others? Not just their ideas? What surface level questions and observations can I make when I’m not under the spell of the future? Very basic actually - out of want to rather than have to. Having to socialize has never worked, and in fact feels fake. I was such a good networker because I could tap into others’ professional interests.
But on this sabbatical, it’s really about turning my attention to the other. What do their appearance and mannerisms say about them. Note it. Know that there is magic and beauty in every moment. Appreciate it, be present and let it out into the world. Do this and the ego along with the mental chatter will disappear. That’s all there is to it. I have done it many times before in a different setting, so I can do it here. Indeed just sit at a cafe and people watch. If I can’t help analyzing, then I might as well apply it in the right manner.
Can evolution happen without sacrificing presence? Can I grow simply by being constantly open and engaged? What if I have a vast reservoir of attention and energy when work and the future do not occupy such a large part of my mind? This is the real question.
Perhaps it’s not self absorption, but extreme focus that creates the ego? There’s no way of knowing without living into the answer. But focus isn’t the enemy, for that’s the root of attention and presence. It’s what I choose to focus on that matters. One gives control, the other takes it away, to the point of not able to turn it off.
The magic of Olivia is not that she has no thoughts, but what she puts in its place. She appreciates everything. And she doesn’t fill it with junk food. TV is like that. I feel like my brain is rotting after even 5 minutes of it. She just trusts her feelings, instincts and values. Just be kind. Just be present. Just be yourself. No need for approval. It takes too much brain energy anyways. I’m grateful that we’ve created the space on this sabbatical to allow me to decide what to put into my box.
Instead of always filling the time, I want to feel bored. Relaxed without purpose. Just be nobody. Yet I’d like to appreciate all that’s around me without expectation of positive reception. No response is sometimes the best response. Or rather, find amusement and beauty in all things and every moment.
Starting now.
What’s around me?
The TV show the woman in front of me is watching is a silly cartoon. Before she was watching Titanic, but I don’t think she finished it. I overheard her daughter saying that she was crying, so maybe she couldn’t finish it. That means we need relaxation and joy after tension and heartbreak.
The view from my seat. I realized that Titanic is a masterpiece of cinema. You can understand the story even if it were mute. I’m proud to partake in this amazingly human art as I make my own videos more cinematic.
How can I be of help? Of service? This mantra was drilled into me as a child. But what if no one needed my help? Perhaps we’re always helping whether we know it or not.
Just simple kindness. That’s all. Look past externals to see deeper into their beings.
Reply to the above entry 3 days later
I’ve already arrived at some of the answers. I now know that I’m not self absorbed. Because otherwise I would not have been able to make those authentic connections so quickly. It is indeed because of where I focused on before, which was the future. That and fatigue, which is today. Without these two elements, I’m very happy to connect with others.
It’s actually not that hard to be curious. It also depends whether the other is receptive. The setting matters. I find day time is much better for me. My energy wanes as night falls. The hostel experience is akin to Ground Hog day: the repeat of the first day of university where everyone is eager to meet each other.
My powers of observation is leagues better than my London self 7 years ago. If anything, I was more self absorbed then. Now I can easily lose myself in conversation, in the other, resulting in a sort of ego loss. I also feel much more comfortable in the company of others, of friendly faces, of reading and jiving with energies.
I also recognize the areas that suck my energy like being on my phone, watching TV, etc. They may be relaxing, but they’re more insidious than that. They’re energy vampires. Before I know it, I’m hollowed out, without will, without confidence, without life.
🤔 What I’m Pondering Over
Have you seen my most recent reel?
Here’s the post -
For CONTEXT: It's a quick ‘behind-the-scenes’ off-camera snippet Olivia took of me while we filmed a Q&A Style video we’ll be publishing as a YouTube long in the next few weeks.
My Message?
”For me — turning to reflection and journaling is returning back to myself.
It's not escaping into my screens … through scrolling, through watching TV. (Instead) It's really about, slowing things down and becoming more aware of my internal workings.
So this is the book How to Relax by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh that I carried around with me in my little fanny pack all across Taiwan. As actually a reminder to slow down to just like the book says to “relax” a bit…
Because at the end of the day, you have to slow down in order to go faster and further.
Otherwise you're going to get burnt out.”
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